Chapter Three

“Okay Ang, we’re leaving. Just remember to be nice to the Delgados. Follow their rules while you’re staying with them. You still need to feed Chewy and play with him everyday. We’ll be back in a little over a week.” Then my Ma leaned over and gave me that uncomfortable maneuver that was between a hug and a pat on the back. “Bye Kiddo.”

Don’t cry in front of them Ang. Just don’t. My own inner voice was soothing me instead of my Mom who was about to leave. They went to Europe for a long ski trip and they took my brother Ton. I was a good kid. I got straight As. I never cussed or did anything terrible. Why did they take Ton and not me? Ouch. That’s what I remember most. Ouch. And then anger and tears. They really left me behind. I liked the Delgados, but I wanted to grieve in my own house.

Every day after school I went to my home instead of the Delgados. They lived just down the street, so I didn’t think it was a big deal. I was always left home alone, how was this any different? The main difference was that the soothing voice in my head began to change. I was rude to the nice family. I escaped every chance I got to my house. I sat under the kitchen counter where it hung over the living room like a bar. I sat there and I rocked. Every day I ran home and rocked. I listened to the same Styx album nonstop while I rocked. I don’t remember anything that happened in my head, but something changed inside me during those couple of weeks. The innocent Ang died a little when my family left. The Ang that started inhabiting my head was scarier and unknown. It was black and empty. It was doom.

I read a book before this called Lisa Bright and Dark. It scared me. Lisa was a fun kid and energetic and friendly. Then something happened and her personality changed into quiet, dark and gloomy. Her friends didn’t understand; her parents didn’t understand; but I understood. And that scared me to death.

As I hid in my little space and rocked, I wondered if I was Lisa. How can one person be bright and dark? Back then, mental illness wasn’t an everyday diagnosis. Instead, my teachers would watch me bounce around (literally) and asked if I was on medication for hyperactivity. Well, I was abnormally hyper most of the time. But nobody knew the Ang that rocked and hid from the world. Sometimes I think that Ton knew. He didn’t know what he knew, but instinctively he knew. He was always very nice and gentle when he sensed that his sister disappeared. It must have happened before this time, but this is the first time I remember being afraid.

My Mom got a full report from the Delgados. It was the first time I really misbehaved, and something changed in our relationship at that point. Years later she told me that I changed then. That’s all she said. I changed. She withdrew from me and I withdrew from everything. Nobody thought to look into it further.

I’m sure I was back to being the loudest kid on campus in a very short time. But from that point on I felt different from everyone else.